when we reach for the stars, sometimes we only make it as far as our arms want to take us. you'd think as tall as i am i'd be headfirst with all the stars i ever reach for....but some of them fly farther away, out of my reach. i got tired of reaching, so now i'm waiting for the stars to come to me. eager? you better believe it. but i'm not tempted to reach only because reaching in the past got me nowhere. i'm trying a new approach to reaching, but old habits never die fast. holding me down to earth like gravity. i wish i could float upon my hopes and dreams, but they seem to only take me so far.

when i'm drunk i tend to comprehend alot more of the reality i'm in. i dont get it. most people turn to alcohol as a ways to get away from the pressure of the world...but for me its like i'm searching for a way to press harder. maybe because i want to fix situations i cant control. i honeslty dont get it. tonight and a few nights before i've been drunk, faded, sedated, whatever you want to call it. but each night i found out a little more about myself. each day i can feel myself unraveling the complexities of my own mind. but the more i unravel the clearer things get. thats good right? im beginning to think when my mind is clouded i make more rational decesions. with ,my brain as clear as it is, its almost as if im searching for new clutter for me to fix, so i can fix something along with it. it feels irregular but i think it might be something normal for me?

sometimes...

...i want to truly figure out who i am.

this life positivity tip i'm on is proving to be a lot easier than i thought. i've found out what it is that makes me act the way i do in certain situations. basically i'm so focused on being a mess that i cant see the bridges i'm breaking in the process. it's fucking stupid. tonight i had a chance to make some money, but i turned it down given the circumstances. then i was given an opportunity to gain more, the legit way. long story short it fell through. so here i sit, exahausted from a long day of pr and trotting around long beach, got drunk, got high, got angry, got sad, and now i'm just halfway comatose. i'm trying to force a smile but in honesty i'm tired. i'm not physically drained but definetely mentally. i'm just sick of thinking, i dont want to keep thinking. i just want to throw my brain aside and vegetate. like i think if i gave up on half the things i keep stressing over, i'd be nowhere, but nowhere seems therapuetic. only because when i'm somewhere i'm so tangled in my own thoughts that i cant focus on breathing. like truly breathing. breathing the same air that propelled me through the rough times before. what scares me is that this new chapter i've been living in honestly hasnt even started. lost is an understatement. i think the self reflection needs to stop for a bit, the more i look at myself the sicker i get. <3

insomnia's got the best of me :D



i think its funny how much i progress over just a few days. edgar's right, what happens to him in a few months happens to me in a week. i'm finally on a good point the slope. just because i'm finally stating to see where i stand in life right now. i'm taking out the insecurities and riding with everything. i'ts fucking amazing. like i'm a whole new person. i do miss some things but in honesty where i'm at is alot better than where i was. i think having austin in my life is truly starting to give me the validation for life i've been looking for. truly he's the reason i can smile when i wake up. :DDD




bestie i heart you
thank you for everything you do for me
<333

lately ive been in turmoil. all things positive in my life are coming from choice places, and im thankful for that. however im finding it really hard to stop myself from fucking them up.i guess its my nature to become so self concious in a situation where i clearly have no faults. im tired of myself. its the only thing keeping me from my full potential. i can handle all of this, yet im so worried about screwing it up...and thats exactly what im doing. but im stopping this now.



stop william. dont fuck up a good thing over being impatient.

i cant explain whats going on right now. my head is in so many places, i dont know which to think with anymore. but i do know things are going to get better soon. i have faith because something tells me i have a guardian angel out there somewhere.....maybe closer than i think.


last night i figured out that i need to stop being so outlandish towards the emotions of some of my friends....to be honest ive been learning that all weekend. its sad to say, some of them i could honestly care less about. not my friends, but their opinions in the matter of some parts of my life. im only doing what feels right, as confused as i usually am in life, right now i see some light, and im headed in that direction. who are they to tell me not to follow in on that?



gimmie sympathy

i'm infuriated with myself.


i've been stressing so much, i stressed myself into sickness. fuckin bronchitis. from the family mess, grandpa dying, job crap, money problems, etc etc etc. i'm just sick of overthinking. i want to just free up my mind and start fresh.


beyond that....my heart?



what can i do?
i'm in love, its not full developed, but its there. will it keep growing? i don't know anymore. i'm just so scared. i don't want to ruin what i have on behlaf of my overactive heart. but what if there's hope? i don't know what do.....but i feel like i should just wait it out.....


i don't know, i'm just afraid of myself right now.....

looking so deep into my heart nowadays. lost my job, lost my grandfather, coming up short in life, but advancing on with my future endeavors.


i'm coming up short on inspiration. i've been spending so much time re-evaluating myself that i haven't had enough space in my mind to try something new.


my friends are keeping me grounded and supporting me finacially. which i hate, but apperciate to the fullest. i feel beyond a burden, but the always re-assure me its fine.


i'm carrying something heavy on my heart. its eveolving into a beautiful thing, but its not fully grown, and i'm anxious for new development. but i'm afraid that when its complete, it will destroy what it was built upon. what scares me is i'm pretty much willing to risk it at this moment.





my life....

i'm just so fucking conflicted.

i love him still, like FORREAL, but will it ever be?


i really like him, i think he likes me too, but he's too much for me to handle, in more ways than one.


i want to help her, but she's showing me she can't be trusted.









i can't handle this...

i'm emotionally and physically drained. i'm full of thoughts bringing me down and i over exerted my body in hopes of gaining self enrichment.


instead i ended up with angry thoughts settled only by the voice of my newest addition. its nice to know someone i have just started to get closer to cares as much to throw himself under the bus with me. i don't get where it comes from....


old prince song stuck in my head. marinating on everything...keeping me up though i'm soon to be down for the count.

despite all the things going on in my life, here i am, amongst friends, having a good time.....


but all i can think about is how i miss having someone to call my own.



its rediculous, i know.
but can you really judge me?



its been like 4 months since corey. i'm over the random sex phase...well kinda...i guess i want to find someone to get to know past their dick size and the back seat of their car. i think its just an extension of my transition in life. getting over being sick, soon to lose my job, trying a new path in life, a new season approaching, just pretty much comes with the territory.


question is, will i be able to handle it?

dimming ever so slowly

my friends rock my socks. they all prety much love me. do i know why. uhhhhh.......duh. because im the shit.


as for my sister,.....

she loves me hardcore. its just sometimes we dont always see eye to eye. like in certain situations i become the older brother....and then i become the deadbeat brother looking for a meal. but all in all there is love. honestly she'd probably just call me a nigga.

as for my parents?
fuck 'em.
im over that bullshit. my mom would probably say im still going through a "phase" or some bullshit like that. my dad? i dont know. we havent exchanged words in a while. i never see him ever. i dont even rememeber the last words we said to each other.



just a perfect example of friends>family
[my sister is the obvious exception C:]

i've got to re-vamp my friends. seriously some are becoming unbearable, others are showing true colors, and most are becoming something worth keeping for life. i've been recycling friends for a really long time, but now i see that's kinda fucked up. so from here on i'm keeping the good ones close, the better ones closer, and all the rest: get the fuck out of my life.

sometimes i just sit and stare into the sky. nothing really to it but to look up, rain or shine, cloudy or clear, and everything else nature throws the world. its my calming. i look up and see reflect on how i can wake up everyday, regardless of the way i feel, or thee way im thinking. just be. the world moves on, time still flows, and so should i. i guess lately ive just been feeling really out of place. like whats surrounding me isnt where i should be, but its where i am. i feel more and more attracted to the idea of letting go and starting over somewhere else. but i dont want to lose whats made me who i am. its so hard to understand, not even i do. its weird, i write to clear my head, but this only made it more cluttered....

its getting closer to the end. nothing has changed in my mind. i'm over how things have become thus far, and i'm waiting for the near future. everyone that's around me is caving in, loosing hope for something that didn't have much hope to begin with. true colors are coming out, and the stronger are becoming the dregs of the weak. i stand strong. for myself, apparently for no one else. i can't extend a hand out because no one is there to receive it. i'm closing myself into my world, i'm loosing grip because i have no hope, i need no hope. i'm ready for it all to fall in. the fall of the beginning of our family.



I see a sea anemone
the enemy
see a sea anemone
and that'll be the end of me.






strength is found within ourselves.

hells yes. 10 years ago i didn't even know how i was to the world. now that i've established myself in the world that i want to love in, i feel like i'm the best person i could be, to myself. it seems selfish but caring about myself is the one thing i've learned needs to be top priority. of course i care for others, but my overall wellness affects the potency of help i give to the world.


[i love how this makes sense to me, i've come a long way]

why do i constantly give in to the needs of others? especially when i recieve nothing in return but a feeling of regret? im tired, oh so tired, of all this bullshit. i dont feel right anymore. im meeting new people and progressing in another direction. but nothing feels right, i feel like im being used....i know thats not true, but sometimes thats how i feel. maybe its just me being emotional? its so hard to explain....



im being held back from happiness, by the people who make me happy.
oxymoronic to the max

in the skin i'm in, i feel so much smaller. i know my dimensions, the air i take up, the space my body takes up; but i just don't feel it. i feel like a smaller version of myself. i run around aimlessly, like a shorter childlike version of myself. i sometimes forget that i am who i am, i'm as tall as i am, i'm as big as i am, and how perceived out in the world. its beautiful but scary. i love being able to be as oblivious as i want to be. it allows me to feel good in the skin i'm in. but it brings defeat and chaos. everytime i'm shocked back into my place in the world, when people look up at me, when i compare myself to the next gay man, it all comes back to focus. sometimes in the worst of places....


i want to live in a world with no boundaries or limits
but no minimums as well....
<333

january.



^fuck that tranny mess.




the letter to my mother resulted in my stepfather threatining my life over the phone. police report filed, i've yet to handle the restraining order to avoid conflict in the matter. he provokes me by shopping in my store while i'm at work. still a mess, but i'm trying to brush it off.

my grandfather is now in a home. my fathers decesion, without opinions from the rest of the family. underhanded and so capable of my father. i'm worried about my grandfathers well being, yet i've come to terms with the fact he might die soon. however when it happens, a lot of words will be sent upon the ears of my family.

my heart is a mess. finally over the whole corey mess, i know wayyyyy too long. but eh! looking to start dating again, but this time i'm looking for something way out there. might take a while, but who knows? i really have to stop with the craigslist mess. i mean safe random sex is fine, but to be serious i know i'm looking for more. *shrugs*


school is back in session, i'm taking a class at cerritos with candice. its a cool school, i miss everyone at lbcc, but i'll live. for now i'm working on getting into the cosmo program, the money is really hurting me. :/


speaking of money....


i've never been this broke. i mean work is bullshit, and my hours are a mess. i haven't paid rent in ages, and i'm in debt. i'm thinking of taking out a loan, but that means working for vons for a very very very long time. my options are wavering though. the retail leadership program is starting again. i don't think i could stand myself to be a manager at vons, i mean its such bullshit. the money is there, but the principles i stand for just aren't up to par for such an adventure.


friendships are on the up. well, partially. there are some people that need to mend our bond, but otherwise i can't complain. i've recently started hearing from old friends, like elizibeth, ej, arnaz, daniel, etc. i'm back on the "cherish who comes and goes in life" tip. i'm meeting new people as well, like carl! he's a cool guy [really effin cute]!


me and my sister have been closer than ever as set by my new years resolution. its nice to be able to have someone i can depend on, and i'm trying to be there for her any way i can. its still very brotherly sisterly, but we get by. i just wish we could both be better off. finacially and such....


just a life update i guess. i'm not really going far right now in life. i'm not dissapointed or anything, but i'm just searching for the next move. hoping something comes my way soon.